Scientology Undercover

What do these famous faces have in common?


Besides being 80s and 90s entertainment barons, the people who play them are very much involved in the religion of Scientology. This religion fascinates me greatly. Not that I want to join.. but the fact it’s unintentionally hilarious and batshit cray.

Coming across as a kooky cult, much misaligned in the media, there are often rumors that high members are known to be abusive and often exhibit bizarre behaviour.

But enough about the Conversative party.

Tom Cruise, all time lover of all things Scientology, is so far indoctrinated  in the religion, that he has not seen his young daughter, Suri, 10, in several years. His ex, Katie Holmes was ordered to have a silent birth – that no words were to be spoken whilst she popped out a  baby Cruise (or is that a Yacht?)

This was due to their barmy belief that any words said during the delivery, from her, doctors, midwifes or actors, may affect the baby’s reactive mind and cause illness in later life. In fact posters were put into the Cruise Manor to remind of such.

It turns out however that their child Suri Cruise is a  Suppressive Person, an anti-social, disastrous individual  that makes up of 2% of the population –  of which have included Hitler, Katie Holmes and Napoleon – and therefore Tom can not see her.  That’s one way of getting out of going to Parents Evening.

These ‘suppressors’ often cause innocent others around them to become ‘Potential Trouble Sources’ so one has to be careful.

Artist’s Impression

The religion’s founder is L Ron Hubbard, a science-fiction writer. And coincidentally, the birth of Scientology started when an evil overlord Xenu crashed spacecrafts full of aliens into volcanoes due to an overpopulation crisis. Prime Ministers, take note.

The volcanoes were then bombed, and the souls of these would be released,  of which clung onto human beings of which we are today.  This is only revealed to you after thousand of dollars of ‘donations’ to the Church.

They believe this as their creation story.  I know Christians believe a legged snake persuaded a naked woman, Eve,  to eat a very tempting apple, but I’m sure  there are ladies who have responded to similar shaped organisms and consumed things far less fruitful.

So after hearing all this nonsense, I was curious. There was a local church in the area, and I wanted to snoop in and found out what these people were and if I could look the madness in the eye. Or maybe they would tell me about the alien.

I took part in an online questionnaire the year before. There were 200 questions. I felt brainwashed by the first 100. Heck, even ITV’s Love Island started to seem more appealing midway through.

It reveals the ‘10 vital personality traits that influence your entire future.

Makes a MI5 application form look simple

I wondered if it would reveal that I’m a tool.

Questions involved if I read dictionaries for pleasure?

Do I whistle just for the fun of it?

Do  I bite the end of my pencil or do I chew my fingernails?

I gave a fake name, fake number and fake address.  I made sure all the answers I gave were ‘normal’ and I had no quirks nor issues that they could pick up on. I heard a lot of sane people who had completed this questionnaire had been declared as needing serious help by the Church, of who were at hand to treat you. So what happens if I made myself untouchable, a perfect human being? I just thought with my ego…

Sadly, I left it so late to find out my results for this test, thatI had to redo the test again as apparently my last one was now out of date and everything had ‘changed’. I must admit I had become more jaded about life and moaned more about technology in this time, but I thought that was just old age.

I re-did it, and the centre got back to me by an email to tell me I can find out the results of my personality test –  the office which was above a cafe.

I was told I will gain a better understanding of my personality strengths and perceived weaknesses, and establish the recommended path to my fast and lasting success.

So my current path of constant debauchery, self-loathing and procrastination isn’t giving me fast success?

I felt a strange feeling about going… how can I maintain a sensible composure around people who are clearly idiots? I only do that when going out on the town to a mainstream club.

They said it was number 5 on the first floor, but I could only see 1 and 2. I climbed all the way to the top of the stairs to find two toilets. Insert joke here about the place being full of crap.

I left the building and looked around, baffled. I had the same expression as  a Tudor attempting to use an iPhone.  I stumbled around the street, looking around for a sign. I saw the above window with a sticker saying ‘Hubbard Foundation Dianetics.’  I re-entered the white building, knocked on the door of no 1, and nervously peeked through, like going into the school staff room.

What a volcanic eruption has to do with mental health I’ll never know

There were 2 older ladies and 2 young ones, in a small room filled with hundreds of Dianetics books in different languages, We had L’Dianetics, Diantikks and El Diantico. I fathomed Dianetics was their Bible/Qua’ran/50 Shades.

They told me to sit on a chair.  I kind of sat there awkwardly for a few minutes as they talked to one another. I worked out the young ones were being interviewed by the older two about their questionnaires. The brunette one admitted she had no life goals, and that she was working a 70-hour week. Luckily they had a course on hand to help her. She looked far too excited. Had she not searched Scientology in Google? Was she a blog spy too?

All the young people who came into that office seemed about 18, troubled and susceptible. As brunette left, one of the women turned to me with sinister joy:

James, you’ve been very hard to track down

It was quite funny to be called a different name. My name is not James

Apparently they hadn’t been able to find my latest test. They said they have called the (fake) number I had given, and had rung up an Irish lady by mistake, who apparently didn’t mind. I wondered if they used the opportunity to enlist her?

They wanted me to leave, get a coffee outside and re-do the personality test.

For some reason they changed their mind, presumably as they thought if I had left the room, I may never come back, and they’ve got me here after months of hunting me down.
So basically the 200 question test to understand your personality and your future is completely irrelevant, as they can base your personality on a first impression.

One of them began a grilling:

“So, where do you work  James?”

I needed to make something up! BHS? Kwiksave? Wimpy?

“Uh, the library”

“Our Dianetics books are in the library, have you seen them?”

I’ve not seen them, they have the Bible, the Jewish one and the Qu’ran… not sure about anything Scientology”

“We have donated some of our L Ron Hubbard books there, how come they are not on the shelves?”

I felt like a naughty schoolboy. Fuck don’t give away any feeling!

“I haven’t seen them before, we are part of many libraries.”

“Anyway, what problems do you have, and what interested you in the Foundation?”

“Uh, it seemed like an alternative way of thinking and interesting.” 

She smiled. My Drama and Theatre Studies AS Level (Grade D) was paying off

“What sort of ups and downs do you have? What causes you to get down?”

I was determined to pretend to be the perfect person so they could not get me.

“Uhh, you know normal stuff. Rainy days. Litter. Daytime TV”

They kept on probing. “But what personal problems do you think we can help you with?”

I thought may be I could  these opportunity to investigate about bad non-believers/suppressors and how they are ostracized… maybe I could find out how some insider truths!

So I asked how to avoid certain people, which is kind of true -[my catfisher,  as well as the one coming soon about my darling stalker who looked like a Jeremy Kyle guest. ]

“Um I’m not sure how to deal with people that I seem to meet. . Like toothlesss people at the library who pass out on the beanbags in the children’s section and sometimes drink whisky next to the maritime non-fiction.”

“So you need to work out what people in your life are negative?”

“I guess.  They seem nice at first but end up being quite toxic”

She proudly handed me a book called ‘Knowing Who You Can Trust ‘

She told me it would be a good idea to go on this course.

“Have you had any difficulties with someone in a relationship?”


“Why you not in a relationship?”

“Ummmm…. I just haven’t found the right one yet.”

(Casually dismissing the real reason that I’m destined for meal for ones for all eternity.)

“You’re quite  a sensitive person aren’t you?”

Fuck, what gave this away? I thought.

I started to sound a bit more Danny Dyer with extra manly to make up for any signs of sensitivity in my voice.

“Are you fine with people telling you what to do… like authority figures?”

(um) “Yep”

“So you’re quite happy to be told what to do?”

“Yeah sure.”

Sadly, I didn’t feel like this course would illuminate me about suppressors or Suri Cruise’s bonkers parent. “Is there anything for self-esteem?” I meekly enquired

Her eyes lit up like a seagull spotting a discarded pretzel.

She told them were was a confidence course which would be perfect for me. She explained they also have books for everything – finance, leadership, even ‘Successfully Parenting Tweens and Teens.’


Inside the book explains how confidence is lost and that Scientology could reverse and restore it.  Again, the beginning of this book was a place for my name, address, phone number and email address. Just in case I actually gave them the right details this time!

I said the course sounded… fun

She said it was £34

“I’ll think about this.”

She admitted that Scientology was not for profit.

Other religions tend to be free and any money involved are usually for donations or to fix a crumbling church roof. Dianetics – their main book was £16. Yet I can get a free copy of the Bible to read in the chest of drawers when I stay at a Premier Inn?

She showed me some more of the course book and said would I like to join?

Bitch, I thought, I just said I’d think about it! Maybe I had been too enthusiastic about everything.

I explained that “I’d have to check my finances as  I probably couldn’t afford this exciting course. “

“Maybe you could go to the bank and check and come back?”

I said “Maybe I could do”.

“Make sure you come back and see me either way,” she exclaimed as I left to go the ‘bank,‘ via Greggs for some pastry pursuits, and didn’t come back

I was very tempted to try out the course to see what nonsense they have on offer.

Yet I thought what £34 could also bring me! A weekly shop at Asda. A daily shop at Waitrose. Or potentially a trip to the local Aquarium with leftover funds for a pastie and a can of pop. Heck maybe a dolphin necklace too.

Maybe I will return.

I’m just to damn curious…



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