Last Christmas I have the pleasure of spending the day with my Mum’s ex partner. He was with my mother for a few years. I always loathed him as I was a jealous teenager. Yet now, I hate him because of him.
Christmas was invented to drive me crazy enough, and this goon was invited into it’s volatile mix of terrible television, festive smaltz and fake cheer.
Turns out, my adult self realised he was slightly racist and homophobic. Considering his African ex-wife was a woman he met over the internet, 33 years his junior, it is quite ironic.
We actually had to tell him off for this attitude and we managed to get rid of him by Boxing Day.
He’d recently almost got into a fight at the pub for mouthing off over two guys kissing.
Here are the quotes which illuminated the festive period with his outdated and offensive aplomb, a vintage mentality that makes me worried about the rest of the world’s beliefs.
In regard to a drink we provided for him
“I had one of your smoothies.. it was like someone had stuck a knife in the top of my head.”
In response to Magic’s Rude song:
“Marry that girl? That’s not current or modern. Isn’t it marry that boy now? Or marry that twat?”
His outlook on homosexuality:
“Homosexuality is basically putting shit up your bum. Gay people can’t have kids – you’ll give birth to turd. You’d get a turd from inseminating an asshole.”
On his wisdom
“When you get to my age you might have developed a brain.”
On his favourite musicians:
“I used to like him, but then I went off Chris De Burgh. As he always made donations to the IRA.”
On meeting some gays in his local:
“Bloody shit chasers. I saw them kissing, it wasn’t natural; and I told them to get out!”
He also entertained with his duck noise and fart clap concerto. Not to mention his dancing.
One day I will be describing this to a therapist.
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