Consent or Not Consent?

May this be a warning to you all.

One evening, I had far, far too much to drink. I had started on doubles, telling various bar staff to go easy on the mixer. I would often say a distinct ‘When‘ when they shot the coke into the glass. It got to the point my drinks were prepared by the time I got to the bar.

I can’t recall much of the night, apart from various snippets from friends.  There was possibly dancing, making out and using preposterous chat-up lines.

Someone had MDMA. It probably wasn’t. It was probably sugar, there was nothing left by some white residue. Yet I wiped it into my gums. It tasted weird. Nothing happened.

Or did it?

I had stayed until closing time, and somehow ended up a nearby club which is open through the night for dirty stop outs. This nearby club always makes me feel edgy. One time a guy had his hand around my throat as he thought I was chatting up his woman. And for once, thankyou, I wasn’t.

I remember diving through a door, presumably the toilet, but magically appeared outside. I decided it would be fun to vault over a high ledge, and precariously shimmied over and landed next to a white van. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, but I thought there’s better salvation going back the way I came. I grabbed the ledge again and somehow made it back to the fire escape door. I knocked erratically, there was no handle,  and a guy opened it who I hugged enthusiastically as if he was the Messiah.


I returned to the stage area and sat down. I can’t recall why, but I was very drunken and confused. I loathe feeling like this, particularly when  vulnerable.  I hit my phone against the floor in frustration, I had tried to contact a friend but with no response. My phone ended up with a dazzling new look… a smashed screen.

I stumbled around, and bumped into a friend I knew.. ish. We had previous run-ins before, I had drunkenly kissed her a few times.. which was basically how people greet each other at the local…but I just didn’t want anything more. I had once received a message saying “I need love right now, really badly need love, come give me some love now.” But I didn’t go for it. The desperation made me uncomfortable.

A couple of friends had also told me how she was basically offered it up to me on a plate, but despite the odd kiss, I just never felt like I wanted to.

And she was there.. I was so happy to see her. I asked if she could help me home as I too fucked to walk. I put my arm around her shoulder for balance and stumbled home into the night.

The last thing I remember is her getting to help my trousers off, I presumed to prevent me from sleeping in my clothes. I was feeling pretty dozey and was happy to get into a more inebriated version of the land of nod. And from that, I don’t remember anything.

I woke up to the smell of bad breath against me on my pillow. She lay naked next to me, I look to the right of the bed to find a bundle of clothes, a used condom.  Urk. I managed to get up, and as I bounded awkwardly to the bathroom, I saw my body covered in bites and scratches.

Said girl eventually arose from the bed, picked up her attire from a big bundle of clothes, and it was as if nothing had happened. She even admitted she was  I was pretty much obliterated. I made her some water, and she kissed me on the cheek and left to go to work. She had finally got what she wanted in the most chilling way possible.

What followed for me mentally was confusion.

I had no idea what happened. I felt like my power had been taken away. I felt weird, odd. For someone like me  to have control in most situations, I didn’t. I racked my brain for memories or coherence, but I had nothing.

I shouldn’t have drunk, take the scraps of drugs… so is this the moral of the story?

I felt a shell of a man… for something women have been more known to go through had happened to me.


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