This entry contains nudity. Parental discretion is advised.
As in – not even parents should read!
(I know why you’re reading this. You liked the title. So let’s cut to the chase you dirty being.)
So let us begin.
How did a housemate I loathe end up naked and in my bed?
Tina, my then housemate, offered me a simple glass of Prosecco, and we had a chat.
Or she just rattled on and on about the book she was developing.
She doesn’t talk to you. Only at you. I would attempt to get a word in edge ways, but I was over-ruled by one of her many, many monologues, and she literally began to tell me what happens on every page. Her book is part of a collection that would probably amass over 1000 pages and make War and Peace cry.
In fact I was so bored, the only thing I could response with was a grunting ‘yes’ and a few mm-hmm’s. She was a nice girl, but we never had any connection. I had a stronger bond with my stationery. I had an incredibly low attention span as it is, but I can only listen for so long.
She created a cocktail, that had vodka, gin, lime and blackcurrant in it. It was a volatile mix that was sweet and probably deadly if consumed too much. I protested the fact I had a driving lesson the next day. She didn’t care.
I then went to bed, avoiding various other cocktail mixtures and made a run up the stairs after she began about ‘her plans for book sequels’. I fell asleep pretty quickly, I was concerned if I could remember my mirror-signal-manouerve technique tomorrow, but stirred when I heard a knock at my door.
I was in my pj’s, I saw a dark silhouette appear in the doorway. For some reason it made me jump.
It wore a dressing gown. It was Tina and she wanted to come in! Practically comatose, I said yeah sure what do you want?
Just some company, and she laid on the other side of my bed.
About 5 minutes later, I was still a bit confused as to why she was actually here, I looked over. I surprisingly saw a boob, it’s nipple parading in the darkness.
She was completely naked! Like starkers.
I told her to get some clothes on!
She seemed unbothered about being randomly naked in my room, but re-robed.
She told me to come over to the window. I made a sleepy, groan sound in response but she kept asking me to come over I though fuck, what is she going to do now?
She said “What do you see beyond the window”?
I looked outside and I could see the train track, the bus depot and streetlights. Also the wheelybins.
I said “Umm, train station, lights?”
“No.. what do you seeeeee?”
I thought I’d try and understand her metaphorical curiosity. “I see life, colour and a world to explore.”
This managed to appease her. Unfortunately, a little too much.
She said what do I feel in my heart? She took my arm and placed my hand over her now (dressed) chest.
She kept staring, looking into my eyes.
“What do you see?”
This was getting uncomfortable. This was the girl who could rattle off a 24/7 monologue, I think this is the first time she had even asked me a question beyond housework advice and tips on washing up.
“You have the physicality … and the spirituality.” she revealed
I’ve used worse chat up lines to be fair!
She wanted me to take her downstairs to her room. I said we can have a quick talk and thats it. I thought it was good opportunity for her to go back downstairs and take the madness, wisdom and dressing gown with her.
As we entered, I saw posters of actors on the wall. She discussed the thespians: “Jim Carrey , Tom Hanks.. they are known for their emotions.
………and they…. know
….. they can see.”
I imagined myself rolling my eyes. She picked up a nearby book and read out a romantic sonnet to me.
She told me to sit down and to listen.
“Love is a path to virtue for the brave
Led by the beautiful; a great desire
In souls that are not perfect, but aspire
After perfection; a high hope to save”
Was she trying to seduce me via words? As she closed her book, she said to me that “I had great brown eyes.”
I was perfection, apparently.
“You see me.”
“You’re the only one whose ever got me… in forever,” which was quite ironic considering the only conversations we’d had before were about the dishes.
She wrapped her leg around mine and suddenly got on top of me. I started to feel scared, maybe slightly terrified? I saw two packs of condoms on the floor.
I tried to make my escape. Just one kiss, one kiss! She proclaimed.
I got out the doorway and hurried upstairs in terror.
She avoided me over the next few days and we never spoke about this ever again. I understood her embarassment, but it was such a full-on situation that the fact we didn’t speak about it scared me.
I then later found out she tried to knock on my other housemates door before mine. He had eventually got rid after he sussed her romantic interventions. Apparently he also had the ‘physicality.’
Yet knowing I was second in line , I probably wasn’t the ‘perfection’ as she made me out to be!